Unspoken Secrecy

I have two distinct memories of my grandma "washing" my privates. The first was when I was five. She told me take my pants/underwear off and lie on the bed with my legs apart. She said I needed to be clean. I begged her not to, but she was the adult, so I had to do what she said. It hurt.

The second occurrence was when I was older (8-10 maybe). I got really sick when I stayed the night at her house. I had been up all night with diarrhea and vomiting. She came in when I was on the toilet and told me I needed help getting clean because I was sick. I was extremely embarrassed because I was obviously old enough to take care of my own hygienic needs. I told her this, but she made me bend over with my legs apart so she could clean me.

I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid that no one would believe me and that I was making something out of nothing. It bothered me for a long time because I thought I shouldn't be bothered by it. It only dawned on me recently that it WAS strange because no one else made me let them “clean” me. It felt wrong because it WAS wrong. There hadn't been any witnesses. It was never talked about. It was as if I knew I was supposed to keep it a secret even though I don't recall her telling me not to tell anyone.

After the second time, I never spent time alone with her. You'd think my family would have noticed that I suddenly didn't want to spend time with her anymore. All of my other siblings took turns spending a few weeks with her and my grandpa over the summers. When it was my turn, I just said I didn't want to go. I wouldn't give them a direct answer about why not, yet they never seemed to wonder why.