Confrontation Day

It took months to write, but I finally finished the confrontation letter to my n-mother. I even mustered up enough courage to call and read it to her. I started by explaining that I had something I wanted to read to her and that I wanted her to not interrupt me. I broke down crying halfway. She didn't show any emotion whatsoever. She simply said, "I didn't know you felt that way."

Of course she didn't know I felt that way. I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions, especially toward her. To this day, I feel guilty anytime I feel angry, sad, irritated, etc. In fact, that was one of the reasons it took so long to write the confrontation letter. I didn't want to be angry. Despite what she did, I also didn't want to hurt her feelings. Then I realized that by not wanting to say anything to anger or hurt my n-mother, I was essentially saying that her feelings are more important that mine.

As I suspected, my n-mother became very defensive after a pause and proceeded to deny a lot of it. What I hadn't expected, however, was for her to justify the rest. Some of the things she tried to justify were just plain insane. I said she didn't actually do anything with me when I was homeschooled. She replied, "I tried. On the very first day, I sat down with you with my little chalkboard and you looked at me like I'm not even having it." Wow, a kid didn't want to play school with their mom...alert the media. Of course I didn't want to do it. It was a big change and needed time to adjust. Fortunately, I was self motivated to learn and sought out information on my own.

She denied my accusation of her never letting me go anywhere or do anything. She claimed we were always going places. She must have been referring to all the church functions I was dragged to where I inevitably became the unpaid babysitter to all the kids. On the subject of babysitting, she said it was my duty as the first born and that I would understand when I have kids one day. Wrong. I'm not going to have more kids than I can take care of. What is the point of having more kids when you end up having to delegate the responsibility of the younger kids to the other ones?

The one thing that hurt the most was her denial that she ever criticized my weight or harassed me about what I was eating. It is the one thing that stands out most in my memories of childhood. She was always commenting about me being too big or needing to go outside and get some exercise. Anytime I wanted something to eat, I had to hear about how I "don't really need that." My husband has even heard my n-mother make comments about my weight or diet, so I know I'm not just crazy.

I don't know if it is something that all narcissists do, but my n-mother always made me doubt what I thought or remembered. She claimed things happened differently or just said I was lying. She would say I like something even when it's obvious that I don't. A good example would be pancakes. I have not liked pancakes for as long as I can remember. I only put up with them for a short time because I put cinnamon and sugar on top instead of syrup. When I was told I couldn't do that anymore, I went back to not eating pancakes. Whenever I've reminded my n-mother that I don't like them (because she always wanted to make them when I visited in the past), she'd reply, "Yes you do. You've always liked pancakes." It makes you feel like you're crazy, like you can't trust your own perception of reality. You start to think there's something wrong with you.

It was hard to say the things I did, but I don't regret it. I once explained to my husband that I never knew how anxious I was until I moved out of my parents' house. I guess I hadn't realized how anxious I still was until I confronted my n-mother. I feel as if I'm finally free.