Never Good Enough

I will never be good enough for my n-mother. There I said it. Now I just need to believe it.

I have spent my entire life trying to prove my worth to my n-mother. I was the poster child for good behavior. I followed all the rules. I didn't talk back. I never got in trouble. I never swore. I was very polite. I was active in the church as a member, sunday school teacher, and leader in the youth group. I got good grades. I went to college. The first time I drank alcohol was on my 21st birthday. The only man I ever slept with is my husband.

I was the child that every parent wishes for...and yet, I was never good enough for her. She always found something to complain about. Most of her complaints surrounded my weight and food. I don't need that. No wonder I look the way I do. If she wasn't hassling me about that, it was my appearance. My hair looked stupid. I wasn't wearing enough make-up (I think I had the only parent in history that complained that their daughter wasn't wearing enough make-up). The list goes on and on. She could ALWAYS find something about me to complain about.

The only nice thing I recall her telling me is that I was always easy. Well, duh! I learned early on in life not to do anything to make her mad. The only other times I heard anything postive from her about me was when she was showing off her perfect daughter as a testament to her parenting. It wasn't really about me though, and I always knew that. Having a parent say she's proud of you for something is not the same thing as hearing her talk about how they made you into such a great person.

On an intellectual level, I am fully aware that there is absolutely nothing I could do to be good enough in her eyes. My heart, on the other hand, tells me that the problem is with me, that I'm just not good enough. I really want to believe that I'm good enough. After all, I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect person. It's just hard when you've had someone telling you that you aren't for your entire life.